Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion music Poetry Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

Sometimes {Poem freeversed}

Sometimes poetry is the only thing that can get out what’s inside of me.

The knotwork knowledge grease to unconstipate for dam release.

What in damnation? Too much information..

The reasonable rationed sensation of the man of a micro nation. Set apart..

How great that ART. 🎨 Were we to do what we start by stating the finished point and reaching the saving arche.

Archetypes are boat rides that float tired note tides..we didn’t expect.

Redirect 404 error. No reason to despair her.. i mean she the soul within.

She’s a good soul and it’s a rude goal to to too hard to ‘control’ the process.

The process is science and science progressed science which is good knowledge to have for hindsight trust reliance..

To know who we became is to lock to a become. A faith but in faith.

A beat to hearts drum.

Ride on.

Friar Tech Deck.

Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Poetry Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

Written { A Poem}

That which is writ worked on heart not on stone.

A work written by acts of life not mere wordsmith hewn.

Not proverbs for proverbs sake, wise-signaling much.

A crescendo of newness a newness as such.

To make new the old man.

Treasures old and new.

A Christ child, a married monk a cell made for ‘2’.

Into your cell go and learn what’s without.

By going within learn outside without doubt.

A Trinity, Duopoly, a unity monopoly.

What a terrible atrocity when we all do own everything.

I’m a Monk to be married a husband as Monk.

I’m a classical heir of medieval funk.

I’m a Theological DJ ..Dilloneous Monk.

An Ubermensch Scrap man with Junk in the Trunk.

An Ubermensch Every man Dandying Uptown Funk.

I’m busting it downtown.

I’m grinding at Cornerstones doing nothing a round clown.

A fool not a tool depending whose in the shed.

Negative opinions don’t touch me. Spirit men arrready dead.

I’m hooked to the sojourning wayfaring life.

A metaphysical pirate awayed from life’s strife.

My diction and phonics is One Word all do Know. It’s not fiction though subtle reality owned.

I’m stick stuck on moving thus staying in place. I’m paradox left, right and center unslaved.

Liberated by serving reality et all. En masse the masses together we fall.

I’m taking wearing my wardrobe too seriously. I’m a suit now. #rocketpower !
Categories
Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living.

One day…(at a time) I’m going to learn to Love.

We live in a day and age with many different opinions and in a time where people don’t know what live and let live means.

Some might say it is because we have surrendered too much of our self government to the governing powers.

The Project Vehicle.

Others would say it begs the question the idea that the government would not ‘enshrine our values’.

For people like me the poles of secular and religious nationalism express perfectly why I don’t consider myself having reached my country. My kingdom ‘is’ not of this world.

There is a belonging without violence.

There is a city without nationalism.

There is an inclusivity with open diversity.

There is identity with cosmically aligned individuality.

There is a post post modernism that progresses and doesn’t destroy all ancient values.

The apex we stand on like a spinning globe is the interrelation of movement that is fixed and chaotic.

The social architects of the world may be called ‘they’ by some but to cool headed non conspiracists who are not afraid of the mechanics of the worlds infrastructure we merely call it a project vehicle.

Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Poetry Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

I’m not Good at Blogging.

Imagine deep within your soul you want to give gifts to the world..but then life happens and you get tired.

Imagine having the passion of a Content Creator but not knowing how to put your thoughts into words.

What am I protecting? Is this modesty.. its own form of honesty?

In order to be a popular platform poster you need to “post every day” or at least a few times a week.

Ah

That might not work then.

Where is the passion I’m looking for? Where is the spirituality I once had or the zeal for living life as if this life is a rare commodity?

How do I take life for granted so much? How do I lounge in carefree boredom narcolepsy or not? Am I pregaming my midlife crises, getting ready for it, double fisting it?

Seems like a me thing to schedule such a thing rather than to be surprised by it.

Well why on earth am I surprised that there’s no element of surprise when I feel like I already know what the book of my life is about..like God and I deliberated and threw the book at me?

Sometimes I feel like I have some crystal ball or a blueprint to my life in my subconscious mind. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want the left hand to know what the right hand is doing. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of watching my movie from the outside.

Life and the enjoyment of life seems rather to be that the eyes and the ears and the nose would hear, see and smell what is here or at least whatever senses we have available to us. So strange that even Spiritual Doctors have remarked on sense “All knowledge comes through the senses.” Good job St. Thomas Aquinas for being like the Doubting apostle in your search for faith. I feel that heartily.

So there is that darkness in the soul of understanding (nous) to wit my life gives reference that I keep remembering that I don’t know and I do know. Part of me know my spirit though living in my body and not separate has separate agencies, faculties and ‘abilities’. I find it hard to be a gnostic because I’m an earthen vessel and yet though trying not to be “too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good” I find myself trapped between worlds, like a ghost with a preternatural stain on the ink blot tests of the collective unconscious of this age.

In my heart I watch kingdoms rise and fall revolutions turn and the sun set many a year. The ages of time acquiesce to an Apocalyptic dance that never seems to end. All of this is beautiful and is a verdict to my and the worlds mortality. I hope that I can learn lessons of this knowing that “the spirit gives life and the flesh is of no avail.” so that perhaps life can come to my dry bones again.

Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Poetry Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living.

I don’t even Car.

Blanco.

Gringo.

Malibu.

Think yo.

Hesitant hearts and minds DON’T BLINK YO.

Listen to the hearts of your loved ones. It’s meditation.

Got our car back from some thieves. Nice feeling. Wife and I are relieved.
Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

Therapy isn’t “Following the Money”.

I’m nervous as all get out tonight and I don’t really know why but I can say for sure that part of it is exemplified in how long it has taken me to make another blog post.

Cohesive senses of identity are difficult for neurodivergents like myself who have goldfish level attention to the present unless the deepseated passion quota within is met.

As a father and a husband I find myself struggling between the pragmatic mercantilism of St. Francis of Assisis father and the universal trustful love of St. Francis as if there were no way to balance the two.

I’m torn; comparing myself to the subjective standard of success I see in others and my fear of not measuring up to the imaginary ‘standard’.. all the while fearing the giving up of better heavenly real estate, my truest goal because I could only ever justify being a capitalist in the kingdom of heaven because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work very well for human nature down here on planet earth.

And yet somewhere deep inside my conflict (deep conflict) is that I of assurety believe in balance and yet I desire for the extremes of childlike trust in God and radical trust in His free miraculous work through His creation like I knew in my youth.

What do I need to become not only who I used to be but the next chapter of me?

Am I perhaps meant to be both? Sometimes a turned page is merely the front and back of one turned page.

I’m convinced I’m too young for a midlife crises but perhaps I’m early! If I die before I’m old perhaps I’ll have the luxury to live before I’m dead.

As a guy I knew once said.. “I don’t know what I’m doing and so can you.”

Original clay and mixed digital media art by me: “Blood and Water”.

Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Poetry Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

He who is sad should write.

Edenic unity, prefall nonutopia for falls sooner or later becomes (sigh), ‘a place’

… the shamed disgrace of no face to be saved.. sadly, indeed, is no saved face..

#Dishonor.

Wear a mask they say and the brutes relent.

And yet they won’t look you in the eye.

They don’t look at you not because of masking but because they mask what’s behind the eyes.

The only reason I divert my eyes is because I’m a student of life AND a different sort of guy.

That’s the only reason I can’t see you eye to eye.

Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

Catharsis.

Le sigh for my se la vie. For my vitality you see I just need to just be.

I often write to get my edge off when nothing else suffices, nothing else cuts it.. nothing else works.

I don’t really understand this world sometimes but knowing it understands me sometimes is a real cure for depression.

Yes I said cure and yes I only said it to spite the backlash of ‘factscism’. Sure it might not be the cure the test tube demonstrated but life doesn’t always happen in a test tube either baby.

Today is me and my wife’s 3rd wedding anniversary. A beautiful day and a cure to my ails all it’s own but even so today had it’s inner challenges for me. My desires to be more, to give more, to provide more, my ‘perfectionisms’ are riding on me and exhausting me.

Business associates not cooperating with me and returning emails so I’m stuck and cannot work because of technical issues. A pine tree fell on a power line down the road from my house so we couldn’t cook at home for our anniversary but had to go to my parents .

…Update: I just returned to this draft half a month later. We survived and had a good dinner. All is well.

Problems really seem more problematic when they’re happening.

Sleep tight San Diego.

Sleep is good.

Categories
Uncategorized

The Mastermind Manifesto

The usual trifle of a mastermind is their undoing but there is a mastermind of daunting courage, accidental lack of ego and yet an individualism that “seeks not its own.” yet “lacks nothing” and is “perfectly equipped for every good work.”

‘The usual trifle of the Mastermind is the ‘truffle’ of the Mastermind. Wishing to escape the watching eyes of commoners presumed swine that are in their common simplicity the sign and signat of that primeval connective singularity of all beings the mastermind alone presumes to be the all seeing eye..and yet..”the spiritual man judgeth all things and yet is judged by no one.”

This is Yin and Yang, Light and Dark, Batman and Robin.

Shadows have the tendency to reveal the truth.

Just as Sherlock Holmes might make a game of wits with a man of wits similar and the chess game that interweaves as we see consciousness show mysteries, that is the mystery of evil and the mystery of good.

How does one of similar temperament and comportment as another choose evil or good?

How many of us truly ever meet our archnemesis?

The arechtypical mastermind is not entirely evil and vile.

The Benevolent Ego of the good Mastermind absorbs into the all.

Whilst being an individual self he is at the service of all.

While being egoless he has become all.

While the evil mastermind secures his fortress the good mastermind makes a glass house.

Through accountability is wrot tranquility for accountability is “to be known” by another name.

The evil mastermind secures his own house. When the good leader rules he secures homes for all.

Two houses all and all and great the potential dirges for if either were to fall and yet one shares generosity with urgency the other clenches stones and gold alike.

Like a dark prince of shimmering, ethereal and uncreated light so is the rarity of this egoless gift to humanity.

He/she calls back the valor of the medieval knights of lore. He is victorious and powerful and has found the white stone with his name on it. His name will never be blotted out.

May we all strive for such egoless truth of existence.

Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

Settling into Solitude.

It is easier than people think for you to have an opinion when people are listening; contrary to the modern proverb “You can’t even have an opinion anymore.”

I know this because I wanted to be heard for years.

I had been glossed over. I had been forgotten. I had been passed over.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10154434587539536&id=643959535

For about 5 or so recent years though I was performing live very regular as performing artist/ musician and in what could be considered a pendulum between a new entertainment extroversion to never before experienced levels and on the flip side semi extreme hermitism.

Then in comes the pandemic and I assume the role of a stay at home dad, the multimillion dollar company that used to pump posts about the show I leaded was no longer boosting my content with consistent and gratuitous amounts of ad revenue and that even in cahoots with some of my personal accounts.

The connection of my activity to Facebook translated mysteriously into my person seemingly having value to said algorithm (even if I wasn’t by any means even close to making the type of money the company I worked for was). To all possible intellectualization I could make out however, that the algorithm believed I was famous whether I was much at all. I was noticed somewhat. I was heard. I wasn’t so passed over.

Let me give you one lesson though. Facebook is not censoring you because they do not like you. Facebook just isn’t ‘boosting you’ because you aren’t making them money. At that time I was but now the algorithm believes I am noone, caput, basically a nobody.

This is the sad value testimony of human value in our crapitalist society. Nothing is usually popular in the way it was in ancient Athens.. back when intellectual values, philosophy of ideas and metaphysics were valuable of their own accord and merely for the fact of having mused upon them and nursed them into schools of thought. Now even that value is worthless unless it’s ready to pay the piper. I wonder how much money Facebook wastes not investing in these ideas. But I guess every time a toilet flushes at Walmart a tax deduction angel gets its wings!

So I’m settling in to a more long lasting version of my hermitage but I would be lying if I said that my depression has been totally at bay.

And yet still I’m doing something that some in the medicine/ science only crowd might think muddies the waters into dangerous hippy sentimentalist territory. I’m taking alot of walks in nature, exercising, taking my cbd, eating better, avoiding excessive alcohol or cussing at puppies and of course writing my blog as one part of my weekly healing process.

And you know what .. it helps; because sometimes even after a good helping of protein rich organic peanut butter pancakes.. on a rainy day, when your mind is racing and the sleep disorder demons have clocked out, they need someone to pick up a shift and of course the depression demons are ready and rearing to go. Even so when I write it out it has been transmitted from the realm of thoughts to the realm of words and in my subjective pseudoscientific opinion it seems to help.

I always knew I was an ‘ideas person’. I was always desperate to be stuck in a college academia library studying theology, philosophy, science, physics, social theory (EVERYTHING)!

I have always been mad that whatever secret branch of the government that hires for think tanks hasn’t broke their silence and reached out to me yet. But patience is a virtue after all! Le-sigh.

Re-sign. That’s my miraculous auto predict shake out of writers block! And that’s precisely what I’m getting to now.

The first step to embracing and truly enjoying solitude is getting past the loneliness and just because I’m married doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely when it’s just me and my daughter during the day. Yes.. even with my daughter there I get lonely sometimes and that’s ok even if her just being there really really helps!

You see loneliness is no respecter of persons. And yet perhaps its more helpful and comfortable to be all St. Francis like and call her Sister Loneliness.

Loneliness is like engaging a Jericho wall and sometimes you just got to blast a trumpet in your heart and shake yourself up a little to get past the false barriers it suggests and remember somehow, right now, life is still being lived.

You also must be humble if your’e more the type to be desirous of the hermit lifestyle because whether Pentupium Introvert 5.0 or not you just have to face the music that people aren’t always terrible and in many ways many of them are much better than you… and that’s ok! After all you have your own strengths and weaknesses too!

Most saints probably don’t mantra on that word too much or at the least they think it means something different than most people think it means.

So also a healthy hermit has to be humble and it is as intriguingly intricate as this idiomatic tongue twister.

The healthy hermit is the balance of ones needs and “the Others” needs.. whichever other or Other that may be.

Healthy solitude is a gift for a heart that is healing. It is the opposite of the crusted bitterness of undealt with trauma. The deep irony for he, she or they that seek solitude is this.. one can only seek solitude well as they find a supporting cast.