Le sigh for my se la vie. For my vitality you see I just need to just be.
I often write to get my edge off when nothing else suffices, nothing else cuts it.. nothing else works.
I don’t really understand this world sometimes but knowing it understands me sometimes is a real cure for depression.
Yes I said cure and yes I only said it to spite the backlash of ‘factscism’. Sure it might not be the cure the test tube demonstrated but life doesn’t always happen in a test tube either baby.
Today is me and my wife’s 3rd wedding anniversary. A beautiful day and a cure to my ails all it’s own but even so today had it’s inner challenges for me. My desires to be more, to give more, to provide more, my ‘perfectionisms’ are riding on me and exhausting me.
Business associates not cooperating with me and returning emails so I’m stuck and cannot work because of technical issues. A pine tree fell on a power line down the road from my house so we couldn’t cook at home for our anniversary but had to go to my parents .
…Update: I just returned to this draft half a month later. We survived and had a good dinner. All is well.
Problems really seem more problematic when they’re happening.
The usual trifle of a mastermind is their undoing but there is a mastermind of daunting courage, accidental lack of ego and yet an individualism that “seeks not its own.” yet “lacks nothing” and is “perfectly equipped for every good work.”
‘The usual trifle of the Mastermind is the ‘truffle’ of the Mastermind. Wishing to escape the watching eyes of commoners presumed swine that are in their common simplicity the sign and signat of that primeval connective singularity of all beings the mastermind alone presumes to be the all seeing eye..and yet..”the spiritual man judgeth all things and yet is judged by no one.”
This is Yin and Yang, Light and Dark, Batman and Robin.
Shadows have the tendency to reveal the truth.
Just as Sherlock Holmes might make a game of wits with a man of wits similar and the chess game that interweaves as we see consciousness show mysteries, that is the mystery of evil and the mystery of good.
How does one of similar temperament and comportment as another choose evil or good?
How many of us truly ever meet our archnemesis?
The arechtypical mastermind is not entirely evil and vile.
The Benevolent Ego of the good Mastermind absorbs into the all.
Whilst being an individual self he is at the service of all.
While being egoless he has become all.
While the evil mastermind secures his fortress the good mastermind makes a glass house.
Through accountability is wrot tranquility for accountability is “to be known” by another name.
The evil mastermind secures his own house. When the good leader rules he secures homes for all.
Two houses all and all and great the potential dirges for if either were to fall and yet one shares generosity with urgency the other clenches stones and gold alike.
Like a dark prince of shimmering, ethereal and uncreated light so is the rarity of this egoless gift to humanity.
He/she calls back the valor of the medieval knights of lore. He is victorious and powerful and has found the white stone with his name on it. His name will never be blotted out.
May we all strive for such egoless truth of existence.
It is rare in this generation to avoid the reductio ad absurdum method of criticism.
The discourse tends towards the assumption that – “Never is a thing ‘not meant’ where a thing other than what we thought is meant could ‘be’ meant!”. That’s impossible! No alternative meanings to words and idioms exist!
But the speakers of words and their context are their own custodians even if they may be clumsy or downright innane in how they carefully or uncarefully craft their speech in interaction with culture. The punishments for these indiscretions are rarely inadequate.. they always seem to get the job done!
In our society it could be likened to the experience of one who has lost faith in the true order of numbers. When I say 1+2 some think I’m saying 1+3.
This they do because they think that 2 is actually “2” come after 3 like 1-3-2 rather then the proper order of 1-2-3. Of course we know this isn’t the case as it is indeed 1-2-3 and yet somewhere down the line communication has been similarly vacuously disconnected from reality and left to serve individual fears.
This too is soundbite inequality. But what is soundbite inequality?! Soundbite inequality is the tyranny of the hashtag, the cloudiness of group pressured group think, the relativism of right and wrong not averted to but rather the cultural might vs right.
Soundbite inequality is the fear baiting social darwinism that gives no room to understand the other or even to understand at all.
It knows no political preference. It dines with right wingers and leftists.
Soundbite inequality does not visit the offending party in secret like Christ with Nicodemus. It is opposed to new beginnings and forgiveness. It eschews the sacralism of allowing redemption. “You mustn’t be born again!” says soundbite inequality Christ! It’s bad for business! Soundbite inequality doesn’t believe in a gospel of forgiveness because it doesn’t believe anyone can repent.
Soundbite inequality Christ is a clamoring, noisy businessman after all and he is very busy making sure ‘that’ never happens. Soundbite inequality always assumes our opponent is very deeply below us and like a classic country western demands a public quick draw. Sadly this is Americanism at its finest. Forsaking a culture of transcendence we have become individual czars and yet our kingdoms are deeply atomized and even more deeply limited. We say everyone has human dignity and is our equal. Our own actions typed or trod condemn us.
We describe soundbite inequalities as critiques but we are not present at an art show. We describe soundbite inequalities as an admonishment but we are remote and safe behind our desk not even before our opponents human eyes. We describe our admonishment as righteousness but we forsake all opportunities for true peace for even the remotest risk of false peace. We do this as an excuse. We don’t want true peace after all. We don’t want ‘peace’ at all!
In this we sin and we lose. It is not because we know we knowingly sin! But our sin is that we don’t know we sin and in this context it is worse of all!
Soundbite inequality as a principle is NOT the acknowledgment of a feigned moral equality between the variable issues of left and right politics in their individual cases and case by case particularities nor is it a critique of politics by it’s sole variabilities alone… though it may have many examples of its play in political theater.
Soundbite inequality is the anti-zen plain and simple of refusing to listen to another human being from their individual core. It is the refusal to answer another’s fears or to acknowledge that positions may be taken from family indoctrination or from mistaken and patently false but sincere platitudes. It is the race of Cain fallacy applied to those whose personal philosophy we do not know. It is the destructing not instructing of the ignorant. It is to ignore sound interpersonal principles of human nature and psychology. Soundbite inequality is taxation by misrepresentation.
And yet the worst part of soundbite inequality is that it bespeaks unbending positional rigidities so stark and so cocksure that it admits in broad daylight that its goal is not the revolution found on the surface of it’s words..or its hashtags.
Soundbite inequality is a rose of another name to the status quo but its just as sweet to those who savor it.
In the last analysis soundbite inequality ‘is’ simply the status quo.
There’s an old saying called “Be careful what you wish for… you just might get it.” and I must say it’s true, specifically in successful neurodivergent masking escapades.
I remember growing up feeling like the one disconnected, never sure how the constant interchange of drama and ideas unfolded so naturally.. and yet they did; constantly with neurotypical people!
People didn’t censor themselves nor screen themselves and at times may have even been vulgar and all was fine but if I screened myself into a frenzy I still came up short almost as if I had shown up to English class with math notes.
I longed for the acceptance of the in crowd and yet I saw the vanity and lack of depth present in many common interchanges..as well as the points of hidden depth in everyday people’s intercommunication, usually unseen by the in crowd themselves.
In a way this always made me a peace maker of sorts because I came to the protection of what people took for granted and I saw hidden beauty where others saw nothing.
Details oriented, often missing the forest for the forgotten tree shrub and yet I was well aware that that tree shrub is what forests were made of.
I knew it.. because I was that tree shrub..forgotten in the forest.
I remember sometime into my early twenties through various meditative techniques, cognitive behavioral changes and techniques as well as having been brought into a more healthy close friend community that I was somewhat learning how to operate in community even if it was community as married to my ‘monastic’ musings of the same. (Monasticism was the ideological template that helped open me up to a larger community of people. For better clarity my friends ran a community coffee shop and I lived with them for a while. I experienced genuinely what I would call ‘divine love’ in that family and the community that surrounded them )
Always seeing in the thing the thing the others didn’t see. Seeing the Transcendent value in the common place. Seeing the monastery in the community coffee shop or in the “home for wayward boys.”
I knew it.. because I was that tree shrub..forgotten in the forest.
I really was a lost boy and I revisit that often.
Ironically I could even say that the Messiah figure in my life has often returned me to Peter Pan like musings.
Surely it makes sense because the mature man will need to be willing to sacrifice egoistic preference for the greatest good and yet Pan becomes a crony corporate business man when he forgets his soul. The childlike imaginative in us all that becomes the healer of the aching body of the mind that forgot, it’s soaring soul!
Like the old gospel song said “I’ll fly away oh glory I’ll fly away!” sometimes returning to the simple childlikeness that eschews egotism without making a spiritual or virtuous activity out of it is that noble task rarely taken. The Pan man never lost his ability to fly because he maintained those ‘happy thoughts’.
How this relates to my life is sometimes I have felt genuine and I have felt the pressure to “get to work” as it were and to attempt to forget my happy thoughts, that place of no neurodiveregent masking in preference for neurotypical poker face.
Noone can easily describe or know how hard this experience can be. Much like having the FCC in your head at all time censoring everything your’e ready to say or do and having to change course and rechannel your energy typicalizing the neuro non typical many times feels like an oppressive act of internal self violence and yet this world is very violent.
I like to see how some of the biblical prophets only found divinity when they went “outside of the camp/ city gates” and this is how I have felt this past year and a quarter+ whilst I’ve shunned societal going ons, retreated ever inward and thought about how I might change society in the only way possible by helping it embrace its highest self by practicing what I wish to preach. The truth of the matter is that noone who changes and “becomes new” has become something novel but rather something ancient. “The good man brings forth treasures old and new.” and I guess I’m an old soul.
It is easier than people think for you to have an opinion when people are listening; contrary to the modern proverb “You can’t even have an opinion anymore.”
I know this because I wanted to be heard for years.
I had been glossed over. I had been forgotten. I had been passed over.
For about 5 or so recent years though I was performing live very regular as performing artist/ musician and in what could be considered a pendulum between a new entertainment extroversion to never before experienced levels and on the flip side semi extreme hermitism.
Then in comes the pandemic and I assume the role of a stay at home dad, the multimillion dollar company that used to pump posts about the show I leaded was no longer boosting my content with consistent and gratuitous amounts of ad revenue and that even in cahoots with some of my personal accounts.
The connection of my activity to Facebook translated mysteriously into my person seemingly having value to said algorithm (even if I wasn’t by any means even close to making the type of money the company I worked for was). To all possible intellectualization I could make out however, that the algorithm believed I was famous whether I was much at all. I was noticed somewhat. I was heard. I wasn’t so passed over.
Let me give you one lesson though. Facebook is not censoring you because they do not like you. Facebook just isn’t ‘boosting you’ because you aren’t making them money. At that time I was but now the algorithm believes I am noone, caput, basically a nobody.
This is the sad value testimony of human value in our crapitalist society. Nothing is usually popular in the way it was in ancient Athens.. back when intellectual values, philosophy of ideas and metaphysics were valuable of their own accord and merely for the fact of having mused upon them and nursed them into schools of thought. Now even that value is worthless unless it’s ready to pay the piper. I wonder how much money Facebook wastes not investing in these ideas. But I guess every time a toilet flushes at Walmart a tax deduction angel gets its wings!
So I’m settling in to a more long lasting version of my hermitage but I would be lying if I said that my depression has been totally at bay.
And yet still I’m doing something that some in the medicine/ science only crowd might think muddies the waters into dangerous hippy sentimentalist territory. I’m taking alot of walks in nature, exercising, taking my cbd, eating better, avoiding excessive alcohol or cussing at puppies and of course writing my blog as one part of my weekly healing process.
And you know what .. it helps; because sometimes even after a good helping of protein rich organic peanut butter pancakes.. on a rainy day, when your mind is racing and the sleep disorder demons have clocked out, they need someone to pick up a shift and of course the depression demons are ready and rearing to go. Even so when I write it out it has been transmitted from the realm of thoughts to the realm of words and in my subjective pseudoscientific opinion it seems to help.
I always knew I was an ‘ideas person’. I was always desperate to be stuck in a college academia library studying theology, philosophy, science, physics, social theory (EVERYTHING)!
I have always been mad that whatever secret branch of the government that hires for think tanks hasn’t broke their silence and reached out to me yet. But patience is a virtue after all! Le-sigh.
Re-sign. That’s my miraculous auto predict shake out of writers block! And that’s precisely what I’m getting to now.
The first step to embracing and truly enjoying solitude is getting past the loneliness and just because I’m married doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely when it’s just me and my daughter during the day. Yes.. even with my daughter there I get lonely sometimes and that’s ok even if her just being there really really helps!
You see loneliness is no respecter of persons. And yet perhaps its more helpful and comfortable to be all St. Francis like and call her Sister Loneliness.
Loneliness is like engaging a Jericho wall and sometimes you just got to blast a trumpet in your heart and shake yourself up a little to get past the false barriers it suggests and remember somehow, right now, life is still being lived.
You also must be humble if your’e more the type to be desirous of the hermit lifestyle because whether Pentupium Introvert 5.0 or not you just have to face the music that people aren’t always terrible and in many ways many of them are much better than you… and that’s ok! After all you have your own strengths and weaknesses too!
Most saints probably don’t mantra on that word too much or at the least they think it means something different than most people think it means.
So also a healthy hermit has to be humble and it is as intriguingly intricate as this idiomatic tongue twister.
The healthy hermit is the balance of ones needs and “the Others” needs.. whichever other or Other that may be.
Healthy solitude is a gift for a heart that is healing. It is the opposite of the crusted bitterness of undealt with trauma. The deep irony for he, she or they that seek solitude is this.. one can only seek solitude well as they find a supporting cast.
You never realise how important it is to get where your’e trying to go when the train is gone and yet sometimes that is a false despair.
I listened to a Ted talk once about Procrastination once. It is common that procrastination is for many people a sign of mere laziness or a sign that they are just throwing in the towel. For others like the gentleman in the talk it was a ‘cogitational’ style.
Imagine farmer Brown says to the cow he would like him to help him plow the field and the cow whilst chewing grass said “Let me chew it over!” To which farmer Brown says “I don’t got all day!”
It’s in a nutshell a humorous way to see how the world sees the tortoise vs the haire (or for sake of our example farmer Brown and the cogitating cow). They say “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.” and yet they blithely apply that to their stated cogitational norms as they appear on the outside and rarely apply this to what’s going on upstairs in different cogitational persons.
To be fair I’m not advocating for procrastination per se. I’m just saying in some situations it writes better books.
A wisdom nugget hit my ears one time. I don’t remember if from another author or from my self so anonymously “The rust of time tempers wisdom.” Sometimes the only thing that can stop that writer’s block or finalize that concierto is some good old life experiences. But how else can that crucible be lit that flames the gold of human invention other than the gold of human invention surviving the fires of human experience?
With all your might do your best to focus! Try, try, try but never be ashamed to rely, rely, rely.
Sometimes the old saying “wax on, wax off.” is very pertinent to us humans. We are far too sure we have the tools necessary to neatly categorize and forcibly guarantee that life follows only the path we desire.
For this I think pathological procrastinators should show themselves grace. Perhaps your’e only going to find out how to overcome your procrastination when you find out you need to accept it and for your inner Sherlock to investigate what it is trying to do in you… and around you.
Perhaps you might find the gears have been turning much faster than anyone could imagine but ‘internally’. The grease is good in you but the outer appreciation has little grease. Results do matter..but maybe you visualize better results than others.
To give you peace I have reconstructed the Serenity Prayer for procrastinators.
G-d give me the Serenity to accept the things I haven’t done yet.
Courage and power to do the things I can.
And the wisdom, trusting your timing, to know the difference.
There is something G-d-like about looking at time as something to organize like other things. Time is valuable and in a way ephemeral. Coming, going and overall a participation in a sacred cosmological dance of creation.
Through time we live and move and yet it is a transcendent act not always to try to extrude every amount of oil for the moment for one particular obsession. It’s not because our worldly pursuits are vain of themselves but rather because they are temporary and many of them are farcically positioned on the latter of importance due to skewed value systems.
There is a holy procrastination that treats certain goals like the squirrel treats the acorn. “Save it for another time. “
To learn to do this with grace is a divine way to gain more balance in life.
In the wake of the hideous, evil and racially motivated shootings of Asian women that we have all seen in the news these past weeks I have an important message not about sex addiction and not solely about the primary issue here of racism (both important and necessary subjects to discuss but nonetheless) I am here to write about toxic masculinity vs true masculinity.
As my sources are eclectic and draw from many sources per usual I would like to talk about how the sexist and insecurity based instincts of toxic masculinity are opposed to genuine masculinity from a variety of sources both sacred and secular, how they feed into sexual neuroses and how they even feed into racism throughout history.
Toxic masculinity is proof in the pudding for where St. Peter in the Bible warned that certain passages of Paul the unstable of mind could contort, wrend and distort to their own destruction.
How many times in a tragic southern gothic did the abusive alcoholic husband demand unflinching loyalty from his wife out of the piecemeal interpretation of “Wives submit yourselves unto your husband. ” and entirely did that character also ‘ignore’ “Husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the Church giving Himself up for her. “?
How many times in history did we hear of the southern plantation owner who was already treating humans like cattle also treating the women as his objects of sexual gratification as well?
People like to try and neatly separate different qualities of moral/ ethical or phenomenological experience as if all causality is referential and scientific. There may be reason for deep thinking about this but existentially one must learn to discern the difference of good will and corrupted or bad will.
To explain I might say it simply. I believe the shootings were racially motivated that happened recently.
However some opposite my opinion might object that the person “was not right in the head”, “sexually addicted” and “deranged”.
Ok well I’d respond that I think every person who is racist IS deranged but I don’t think everyone who mentally has difficulties or perhaps even who struggles with ‘sexual compulsive behavior disorder’ is of a necessity a bad person or even deranged for that matter. Many people of good will fight imbalanced and excessive sexual urges and impulses or negative thought patterns without murdering people or sexually harassing others..the difference shouldn’t be too hard to highlight.
Where are you going on with this sir?
~To the roots.~
In my opinion racism and even much of the problems of sexual addiction can be traced to wounded or toxic masculinity.
The stigma towards those struggling with mental illness or merely experiencing non neurotypical wiring is already too overkill. In the experience of many kind nonneurotypical people the excuse of insanity is used far too many times by someone who shot a bunch of innocent people while the usual person with mental struggles is struggling with decision making, sensory issues and inhibitions to executive function in the negative or obsessively applying their mind to a project, special skill, radically excessive moralization or special interest in the positive. The average neurodiverse person or the person with mental illnesses is usually actually a person with ‘exacting’ fortitude of moral will. That is why so many of us don’t easily buy it when someone with much premeditation uses their will to breathe terror upon the innocent.
Racism is often a generational curse. It’s passed down through effigies, epithets, tits for tats, nic nacs, this and thats ‘and all that’s and I’ve rarely seen racism come without toxic masculinity.
What could be more toxic than seeing your ethnic conception of being a man as the absolute center in a universe/ potential multiverse so vast? David the Jewish king and prophet said it well “What is man that you think of him or the Son of Man that you pay him mind?” and continuing on paying homage to the Hebraic conception of angelic beings he states that man ‘one of whom he is’ is a little lower than they.
So here is David, extremely imperfect man that he is who had indeed also participated in intertribal wars and adultery and who handed more hides to the men that owned them than Gaston.. and yet even he at the depths when confronted with a holy G-d realizes that he is not all that matters. Far from it David the sexual deviant, patriarch and saint realises a truth that not only desecrates the mores of tribe central religious nationalism but even attacks man’s inherent speciestic religious bias.
Respect, for those who tread litely in this life so subsists in treating the other as a messenger of God and even perhaps other creatures like Balaams donkey or even as much as to be healed by a serpent on a pole.
How much more must we then intrepidly, as if we were communicating with ultra powerful spiritual beings be reverent and still in the presence of other humans of the many beautiful and varied ethnicities and cultures!?
And yet still many go astray. They ignore that the scriptures were written for our instruction so that we may not sin like our fathers did.
And of course many, falsely construing respect for their fathers as ignoring their fathers sin have decided not to shake that which underpins toxic streams in life which perhaps Source, ergo G-d would be willing to shake. Wrongly covering others sins often is equivalent to hiding a spiritual cancer diagnosis.
Jesus my Hebrew messiah as I believe Him to be was admittedly anti racist and I would definitely say He came to destroy toxic masculinity at its depths.
In Christ we see a tender father son relationship.. one that many men only crave and think is untenable if not contradictory to the faux masculinity hazing they received from their fathers
In Christ the celibate male preacher, Prophet and Teacher we see one so solidly rooted in his identity and intimacy with His Father that he was intellectually, emotionally and sensitively fulfilled, satiated and centered in righteous masculinity as opposed to toxic masculinity.
In my life the pandemic turning me into a full time stay at home dad has felt like putting me on the frontlines in the war on toxic masculinity. Though the stigma of being the stay at home dad is lessening compared to 8 to 10 years ago it still exists and many men are made to feel less than masculine because they are not the ordinary bread winner or because they embody qualities that traditional mysogony see as feminine estate (kindness, compassion, child rearing and teaching etc). I would be lying if my personal encounter/ battle with the subliminal messages of the surrounding culture of said toxic masculinity has never been mentally draining. It takes a lot of security to be secure in your self and having your security based in Christ like virtues of mercy and compassion rather than might makes right and subsequent rejoicing in social darwinism.
During this Lenten season whether you are Christian or not or even perhaps a secular minded person, please join in with me in eschewing evil paths that toxic masculinity plows. It is not the path to the cultivation of manhood! It is not the sacred initiatory rites which our souls rightfully crave! Toxic masculinity is a vicious cycle that supports racism, objectification of women and others in general. If we want to truly make a better world as men we need to stake our masculinity in the Christ like virtues of compassion and mercy and listen to the words of Mary and ” Do whatever He tells you.”