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Memories of the Transcendent.

There’s an old saying called “Be careful what you wish for… you just might get it.” and I must say it’s true, specifically in successful neurodivergent masking escapades.

I remember growing up feeling like the one disconnected, never sure how the constant interchange of drama and ideas unfolded so naturally.. and yet they did; constantly with neurotypical people!

People didn’t censor themselves nor screen themselves and at times may have even been vulgar and all was fine but if I screened myself into a frenzy I still came up short almost as if I had shown up to English class with math notes.

I longed for the acceptance of the in crowd and yet I saw the vanity and lack of depth present in many common interchanges..as well as the points of hidden depth in everyday people’s intercommunication, usually unseen by the in crowd themselves.

In a way this always made me a peace maker of sorts because I came to the protection of what people took for granted and I saw hidden beauty where others saw nothing.

Details oriented, often missing the forest for the forgotten tree shrub and yet I was well aware that that tree shrub is what forests were made of.

I knew it.. because I was that tree shrub..forgotten in the forest.

I remember sometime into my early twenties through various meditative techniques, cognitive behavioral changes and techniques as well as having been brought into a more healthy close friend community that I was somewhat learning how to operate in community even if it was community as married to my ‘monastic’ musings of the same. (Monasticism was the ideological template that helped open me up to a larger community of people. For better clarity my friends ran a community coffee shop and I lived with them for a while. I experienced genuinely what I would call ‘divine love’ in that family and the community that surrounded them )

Always seeing in the thing the thing the others didn’t see. Seeing the Transcendent value in the common place. Seeing the monastery in the community coffee shop or in the “home for wayward boys.”

I knew it.. because I was that tree shrub..forgotten in the forest.

I really was a lost boy and I revisit that often.

Ironically I could even say that the Messiah figure in my life has often returned me to Peter Pan like musings.

Surely it makes sense because the mature man will need to be willing to sacrifice egoistic preference for the greatest good and yet Pan becomes a crony corporate business man when he forgets his soul. The childlike imaginative in us all that becomes the healer of the aching body of the mind that forgot, it’s soaring soul!

Like the old gospel song said “I’ll fly away oh glory I’ll fly away!” sometimes returning to the simple childlikeness that eschews egotism without making a spiritual or virtuous activity out of it is that noble task rarely taken. The Pan man never lost his ability to fly because he maintained those ‘happy thoughts’.

How this relates to my life is sometimes I have felt genuine and I have felt the pressure to “get to work” as it were and to attempt to forget my happy thoughts, that place of no neurodiveregent masking in preference for neurotypical poker face.

Noone can easily describe or know how hard this experience can be. Much like having the FCC in your head at all time censoring everything your’e ready to say or do and having to change course and rechannel your energy typicalizing the neuro non typical many times feels like an oppressive act of internal self violence and yet this world is very violent.

I like to see how some of the biblical prophets only found divinity when they went “outside of the camp/ city gates” and this is how I have felt this past year and a quarter+ whilst I’ve shunned societal going ons, retreated ever inward and thought about how I might change society in the only way possible by helping it embrace its highest self by practicing what I wish to preach. The truth of the matter is that noone who changes and “becomes new” has become something novel but rather something ancient. “The good man brings forth treasures old and new.” and I guess I’m an old soul.

So are you.

G-d bless you on your path.

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depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

Settling into Solitude.

It is easier than people think for you to have an opinion when people are listening; contrary to the modern proverb “You can’t even have an opinion anymore.”

I know this because I wanted to be heard for years.

I had been glossed over. I had been forgotten. I had been passed over.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10154434587539536&id=643959535

For about 5 or so recent years though I was performing live very regular as performing artist/ musician and in what could be considered a pendulum between a new entertainment extroversion to never before experienced levels and on the flip side semi extreme hermitism.

Then in comes the pandemic and I assume the role of a stay at home dad, the multimillion dollar company that used to pump posts about the show I leaded was no longer boosting my content with consistent and gratuitous amounts of ad revenue and that even in cahoots with some of my personal accounts.

The connection of my activity to Facebook translated mysteriously into my person seemingly having value to said algorithm (even if I wasn’t by any means even close to making the type of money the company I worked for was). To all possible intellectualization I could make out however, that the algorithm believed I was famous whether I was much at all. I was noticed somewhat. I was heard. I wasn’t so passed over.

Let me give you one lesson though. Facebook is not censoring you because they do not like you. Facebook just isn’t ‘boosting you’ because you aren’t making them money. At that time I was but now the algorithm believes I am noone, caput, basically a nobody.

This is the sad value testimony of human value in our crapitalist society. Nothing is usually popular in the way it was in ancient Athens.. back when intellectual values, philosophy of ideas and metaphysics were valuable of their own accord and merely for the fact of having mused upon them and nursed them into schools of thought. Now even that value is worthless unless it’s ready to pay the piper. I wonder how much money Facebook wastes not investing in these ideas. But I guess every time a toilet flushes at Walmart a tax deduction angel gets its wings!

So I’m settling in to a more long lasting version of my hermitage but I would be lying if I said that my depression has been totally at bay.

And yet still I’m doing something that some in the medicine/ science only crowd might think muddies the waters into dangerous hippy sentimentalist territory. I’m taking alot of walks in nature, exercising, taking my cbd, eating better, avoiding excessive alcohol or cussing at puppies and of course writing my blog as one part of my weekly healing process.

And you know what .. it helps; because sometimes even after a good helping of protein rich organic peanut butter pancakes.. on a rainy day, when your mind is racing and the sleep disorder demons have clocked out, they need someone to pick up a shift and of course the depression demons are ready and rearing to go. Even so when I write it out it has been transmitted from the realm of thoughts to the realm of words and in my subjective pseudoscientific opinion it seems to help.

I always knew I was an ‘ideas person’. I was always desperate to be stuck in a college academia library studying theology, philosophy, science, physics, social theory (EVERYTHING)!

I have always been mad that whatever secret branch of the government that hires for think tanks hasn’t broke their silence and reached out to me yet. But patience is a virtue after all! Le-sigh.

Re-sign. That’s my miraculous auto predict shake out of writers block! And that’s precisely what I’m getting to now.

The first step to embracing and truly enjoying solitude is getting past the loneliness and just because I’m married doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely when it’s just me and my daughter during the day. Yes.. even with my daughter there I get lonely sometimes and that’s ok even if her just being there really really helps!

You see loneliness is no respecter of persons. And yet perhaps its more helpful and comfortable to be all St. Francis like and call her Sister Loneliness.

Loneliness is like engaging a Jericho wall and sometimes you just got to blast a trumpet in your heart and shake yourself up a little to get past the false barriers it suggests and remember somehow, right now, life is still being lived.

You also must be humble if your’e more the type to be desirous of the hermit lifestyle because whether Pentupium Introvert 5.0 or not you just have to face the music that people aren’t always terrible and in many ways many of them are much better than you… and that’s ok! After all you have your own strengths and weaknesses too!

Most saints probably don’t mantra on that word too much or at the least they think it means something different than most people think it means.

So also a healthy hermit has to be humble and it is as intriguingly intricate as this idiomatic tongue twister.

The healthy hermit is the balance of ones needs and “the Others” needs.. whichever other or Other that may be.

Healthy solitude is a gift for a heart that is healing. It is the opposite of the crusted bitterness of undealt with trauma. The deep irony for he, she or they that seek solitude is this.. one can only seek solitude well as they find a supporting cast.

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NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF EXHAUSTION.

Rain on the window pane washing pain away.

Pains as from yesterday; yes I wash the pain away.

I’ves and Eve’s and long ago stand me now here today.

I’ves and Eve’s and long ago stand me now here today.

My beginner Garden this time last year!

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Extensions.

(A little poem comment I wrote for y’all antimaskers. )

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
So the fear of the Lord isn’t an end in itself.
Is it fear to avoid hell which is worthy to fear and then say to the sick..go now physician and heal thyself?

Jesus said preach and heal is thy task. Where many words are -sin will not be lacking..so why oh erudite soul wont you please wear a mask?

If the Lord is to fear and the punishments of hell and to heal and to preach is thy mission pray tell..can you not also protect another’s mortal shell?

You know it is written as has been duly known by the beautiful Jewish messiah bethroned that what’s done to the least of these is done to His own.

Therefore if you quibble at a small ethical task …can your master charge you in the big if you can’t wear a mask?

Wear a mask ,wear a mask is all that they ask during pandemic plagues do the wise “cancel’ that?

Elephants work for peanuts and GOPple them fast..if it could save some one you know WHO’d appreciate that…

Most kindly then till the coast clears .. for the least of these “that” will you do them a favor.. wont you please wear a mask?!

This message is approved by James Dillon Broxson. Thank you Kay Ivey for extending the mask mandate and listening to our public health officials. It means the world to us that you are trying your best to put people before politics on this issue. A good and ethical bipartisan and science following move. Legacy comes from doing the right thing over merely following a brand. We appreciate it.

UPDATE { I SPOKE TO FAST… SHE CHANGED THE MASK ORDER TO A CHOICE THING. GOOD GRIEF!!!}

P.S. I’m glad she did the right thing for a while but I guess politicking is an endless pressure. “Shaking my head. “

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MOTIVATION AND TRIALS.

https://www.ebay.com/itm/Buddha-Looks-Upon-The-Bathing-Woman-Original-Black-And-White-Dark-Room-/274762378505?_trksid=p2349624.m46890.l49286

We all have days where we want to give up.

In 2020 those days seem even more prevalent. It’s pretty ironic when you feel so dry you want to throw in the towel and all the while in this desert whetting ones appetite for one’s passions seems like a misnomer..as if doing what you were seemingly created to do is a mistake.

Of course to a mind on the mend such negativity seems pointless; such musings seem fruitless. But hear me out in my musings on executive dysfunction. When you have expended yourself in so many directions and you know you have skills but the outlets haven’t listened.. what IS one to think?

Your’e just a plug and they’re just an outlet and the frustration of what is seemingly made for the other is when ‘it is’ according to external appearances of design but not by internal technicalities or by full undertakings to comprehend such an investments stability.

There are those systems one chooses that seems like a fit and then there is that system that even when seeming on the brink of failure shows it’s strength in the storm.

The system that wins and that appreciates you is by wisdom and apparent providential matchmaking ‘that which is attenuated to you even when it seems about to fail. “

It is a system that sees the you fallen and in vulnerability and realizes in you ‘the you of hidden strength’.

There it holds up the mirror revealing your liberty. Freedom is a hard task to navigate in this world. It is a hard thing to learn to find and yet the wise intuitions upon which freedom is found is easily accessible. It just only can be accessed by the peaceful and calm confidence of ‘the mind of a child. ‘.

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depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Poetry Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

When God Holds Your Hand Badly.

If 2020 (all flowery philosophical and faith based sentimentality put aside)..

was an easy year for you then you might be a masochist or if you were not at all stretched by this year you might just already be perfect.

This is not to say one is a masochist if one has legitimately experienced new life blessings this year (We received our first baby girl into the world this year).

It is also not to say that faith based sentimentality is not often anchored in solid reasoning beyond mere emotion and thus… ‘a wash’.

What it does boil down to is a confession that the ‘perfect man’ sleeps through the storm and the imperfect man cries out in terror “Lord, we perish!”

There is a type of restful contented waiting that weighs heavier than any storm. They say that the “little ones” have the kingdom of God and I believe I have proof. This year I got to witness that contentment and peace first hand or rather ‘hand in hand’.

I named my daughter Eliza to be a female version of Elijah the prophet.

Well in her first year of life not only has she gone through the Coronavirus Pandemic and global economic upheaval but as of recent time, here on the Alabama, Gulf Coast she has gone through hurricane Sally (The most contrivedly and ill undermeasured Cat3 I’ve ever been through in my opinion).

Interestingly enough my wife and mother in law who are both from Venezuela had never been through a hurricane so while we sheltered at my parents home I had plenty of snuggles with my wife that easily matched that of a couple watching a horror film. My wife was a little spooked by the whole ordeal obviously.

Now on the other hand our daughter Eliza was definitely a little preacher by her actions. She like Elijah lived through the whirlwind and like Jesus slept through the storm! Thats right she slept through ALL of the worst hours of the storm where all the damage happened!

I know this amazed my wife but it personally deeply inspired me. Our little prophet weathered and slept through the storm and all throughout this year has never ceased to be the little chonk of joy she was.

So for the title of this blog post I want to explain it a little more because it was another little precious way my daughter deeply inspired me just by being her and that was by one of my favorite little encounters with her.

In the age of smart phones alot of us become dummies from time to time. I think my baby intuitively knows this and she returns my wife and I back to the human. Yes sometimes in the hodrum of everyday life and exhaustion even we can veg out on our phone. My baby on the other hand as a fresh human straight out of the oven won’t have it! If we are on a phone in her presence she will protest..she will return us to the now. The most precious example of that is if I am feeding her with bottle and putting her to sleep. If I have a phone she will get frustrated.

Just like God my baby innocently and purely demands my total attention.

When I feed her it’s all or nothing. It’s daddy and daughter time. It’s ‘contigo’. But the funny thing is though she demands that I look right at her little face and just be present with her she also demands that she can play with my hand while I feed her. She wants to hold my hand but she doesn’t always do so with consistency.

Sometimes she has a death grip and other times I feel like a goldfish is slapping me! But I have learned a very deep 2020 lesson from this encounter of love and relationship with our precious daughter. In these moments of connection and relationship building I have learned something splendidly transcendant!

I have learned that sometimes we might be inclined to impugn guilt on God for seemingly sleeping through our often stormy lives. I have learned it is easy to be jealous of those for whom storms seem to not shake their easy restfulness of spirit but with a shift of perspective one can be inspired by it! I have learned that God demands our attention with crystaline and 2020 vision (hindsight is 2020 and all that..) and I have learned that it is the connection that matters the most and that it is better to hold God’s hand even if like a little child He ‘holds our hand badly.’

(James Dillon Broxson born and raised in Alabama likes dark bold letters because why not? But seriously they really are much better right?! James is a father of one beautiful baby girl named Eliza born in 2020 and married to an amazing lady from Venezuela named Carolina.)

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The People we Might Be.

 

I find it important to never quit learning. I often like to imagine the future and to imagine becoming proficient in a skill not generally associated with my public persona.

One such imagining is that of becoming a scientist.

I could see myself pouring obsessively, lost musing over medical mysteries and biological quandaries as my mind often obsessively does.

I could see myself as a mathematician pouring over formulae as if they were nature’s immutable song, an indivisible unifier to inherent non-divisible truths.

As a long time musician I have often dreamt of being a classical composer, of sharpening the higher faculties of my mind with the beautiful truth of song, expressing mathematical facts through the medium of tangible felt beauty.

Sometimes I imagine being a lawyer, an advocate, a public defender..knowing the law well so as to subvert it’s misuse by evil people in high places eager to destroy others life for a buck.
I imagine protecting the innocent against those who would use the law against ‘they’ who are innocently unknowing of their schemes and to condemn those falsely accused with unfair and unjust punishments.
I often imagine saving people through diligent study and erudition.

Sometimes I wonder about these things because I am sure that vocation isn’t the full description of who I am and yet I can’t help but think these desires of my soul describe some ineffable inner truth about myself.

What are some things you’ve dreamed about your life?

 

 

 

 

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I’m not my Covid Dreams.

Paranoia, False-Evidence-Appearing-Real.

I’m definitely the hidden lesson good man.

I’m not my Covid Dreams.

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Trickle down Gecko-nomics.

I don’t know about you but do you ever have a moment where you experience your individual nature in such a way where you are shocked by how much life shapes you and how much society becomes a stage? 

If so there is however an irony because with great autonomy comes great responsibility. Great autonomy is great power and this is why poor community college philosophy teachers are often actually happy.. and even some theologians. Existential autonomy is the power to know one is a weak cog in a wheel and not to fear it. This seems like a ‘privilege’ and in some ways is but in other ways it can be a cross or even a burden. The channeling agencies of the gifted gecko or chameleon are succinct even if he adorns a wall like a flower. He sees more than others from the wall and gathers colors, even while quiet, he hears things. Pay attention to the geckos and it will pay off. They will show you your true colors. The transaction is called Gecko-nomics. 

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