Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

Settling into Solitude.

It is easier than people think for you to have an opinion when people are listening; contrary to the modern proverb “You can’t even have an opinion anymore.”

I know this because I wanted to be heard for years.

I had been glossed over. I had been forgotten. I had been passed over.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10154434587539536&id=643959535

For about 5 or so recent years though I was performing live very regular as performing artist/ musician and in what could be considered a pendulum between a new entertainment extroversion to never before experienced levels and on the flip side semi extreme hermitism.

Then in comes the pandemic and I assume the role of a stay at home dad, the multimillion dollar company that used to pump posts about the show I leaded was no longer boosting my content with consistent and gratuitous amounts of ad revenue and that even in cahoots with some of my personal accounts.

The connection of my activity to Facebook translated mysteriously into my person seemingly having value to said algorithm (even if I wasn’t by any means even close to making the type of money the company I worked for was). To all possible intellectualization I could make out however, that the algorithm believed I was famous whether I was much at all. I was noticed somewhat. I was heard. I wasn’t so passed over.

Let me give you one lesson though. Facebook is not censoring you because they do not like you. Facebook just isn’t ‘boosting you’ because you aren’t making them money. At that time I was but now the algorithm believes I am noone, caput, basically a nobody.

This is the sad value testimony of human value in our crapitalist society. Nothing is usually popular in the way it was in ancient Athens.. back when intellectual values, philosophy of ideas and metaphysics were valuable of their own accord and merely for the fact of having mused upon them and nursed them into schools of thought. Now even that value is worthless unless it’s ready to pay the piper. I wonder how much money Facebook wastes not investing in these ideas. But I guess every time a toilet flushes at Walmart a tax deduction angel gets its wings!

So I’m settling in to a more long lasting version of my hermitage but I would be lying if I said that my depression has been totally at bay.

And yet still I’m doing something that some in the medicine/ science only crowd might think muddies the waters into dangerous hippy sentimentalist territory. I’m taking alot of walks in nature, exercising, taking my cbd, eating better, avoiding excessive alcohol or cussing at puppies and of course writing my blog as one part of my weekly healing process.

And you know what .. it helps; because sometimes even after a good helping of protein rich organic peanut butter pancakes.. on a rainy day, when your mind is racing and the sleep disorder demons have clocked out, they need someone to pick up a shift and of course the depression demons are ready and rearing to go. Even so when I write it out it has been transmitted from the realm of thoughts to the realm of words and in my subjective pseudoscientific opinion it seems to help.

I always knew I was an ‘ideas person’. I was always desperate to be stuck in a college academia library studying theology, philosophy, science, physics, social theory (EVERYTHING)!

I have always been mad that whatever secret branch of the government that hires for think tanks hasn’t broke their silence and reached out to me yet. But patience is a virtue after all! Le-sigh.

Re-sign. That’s my miraculous auto predict shake out of writers block! And that’s precisely what I’m getting to now.

The first step to embracing and truly enjoying solitude is getting past the loneliness and just because I’m married doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely when it’s just me and my daughter during the day. Yes.. even with my daughter there I get lonely sometimes and that’s ok even if her just being there really really helps!

You see loneliness is no respecter of persons. And yet perhaps its more helpful and comfortable to be all St. Francis like and call her Sister Loneliness.

Loneliness is like engaging a Jericho wall and sometimes you just got to blast a trumpet in your heart and shake yourself up a little to get past the false barriers it suggests and remember somehow, right now, life is still being lived.

You also must be humble if your’e more the type to be desirous of the hermit lifestyle because whether Pentupium Introvert 5.0 or not you just have to face the music that people aren’t always terrible and in many ways many of them are much better than you… and that’s ok! After all you have your own strengths and weaknesses too!

Most saints probably don’t mantra on that word too much or at the least they think it means something different than most people think it means.

So also a healthy hermit has to be humble and it is as intriguingly intricate as this idiomatic tongue twister.

The healthy hermit is the balance of ones needs and “the Others” needs.. whichever other or Other that may be.

Healthy solitude is a gift for a heart that is healing. It is the opposite of the crusted bitterness of undealt with trauma. The deep irony for he, she or they that seek solitude is this.. one can only seek solitude well as they find a supporting cast.

Categories
Uncategorized

Extensions.

(A little poem comment I wrote for y’all antimaskers. )

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
So the fear of the Lord isn’t an end in itself.
Is it fear to avoid hell which is worthy to fear and then say to the sick..go now physician and heal thyself?

Jesus said preach and heal is thy task. Where many words are -sin will not be lacking..so why oh erudite soul wont you please wear a mask?

If the Lord is to fear and the punishments of hell and to heal and to preach is thy mission pray tell..can you not also protect another’s mortal shell?

You know it is written as has been duly known by the beautiful Jewish messiah bethroned that what’s done to the least of these is done to His own.

Therefore if you quibble at a small ethical task …can your master charge you in the big if you can’t wear a mask?

Wear a mask ,wear a mask is all that they ask during pandemic plagues do the wise “cancel’ that?

Elephants work for peanuts and GOPple them fast..if it could save some one you know WHO’d appreciate that…

Most kindly then till the coast clears .. for the least of these “that” will you do them a favor.. wont you please wear a mask?!

This message is approved by James Dillon Broxson. Thank you Kay Ivey for extending the mask mandate and listening to our public health officials. It means the world to us that you are trying your best to put people before politics on this issue. A good and ethical bipartisan and science following move. Legacy comes from doing the right thing over merely following a brand. We appreciate it.

UPDATE { I SPOKE TO FAST… SHE CHANGED THE MASK ORDER TO A CHOICE THING. GOOD GRIEF!!!}

P.S. I’m glad she did the right thing for a while but I guess politicking is an endless pressure. “Shaking my head. “

Categories
Poetry Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living. Uncategorized

The People we Might Be.

 

I find it important to never quit learning. I often like to imagine the future and to imagine becoming proficient in a skill not generally associated with my public persona.

One such imagining is that of becoming a scientist.

I could see myself pouring obsessively, lost musing over medical mysteries and biological quandaries as my mind often obsessively does.

I could see myself as a mathematician pouring over formulae as if they were nature’s immutable song, an indivisible unifier to inherent non-divisible truths.

As a long time musician I have often dreamt of being a classical composer, of sharpening the higher faculties of my mind with the beautiful truth of song, expressing mathematical facts through the medium of tangible felt beauty.

Sometimes I imagine being a lawyer, an advocate, a public defender..knowing the law well so as to subvert it’s misuse by evil people in high places eager to destroy others life for a buck.
I imagine protecting the innocent against those who would use the law against ‘they’ who are innocently unknowing of their schemes and to condemn those falsely accused with unfair and unjust punishments.
I often imagine saving people through diligent study and erudition.

Sometimes I wonder about these things because I am sure that vocation isn’t the full description of who I am and yet I can’t help but think these desires of my soul describe some ineffable inner truth about myself.

What are some things you’ve dreamed about your life?

 

 

 

 

Donation

Any donation one dollar or above and I will send you a music download from my personal website. Music and blogging/ content creation are my passion and I am seeking to be full time at these endeavors! If you like my writing and other content please share or donate today. Any donation of 12$ or more and your automatically enrolled if you wish and with no extra charge into my yearly premium subscription for a dollar a month which will give you immediate access to premium content including but not limited to previews of novel writing projects, comics, new song releases and much more! Premium subscription lasts for 1 calendar year and can be renewed annually.

$1.00

Categories
depression, mental health, love, kindness, golden rule, religion Politics, Philosophy, Learning and living.

“I Don’t Really Know What I’m Doing.”… AND SO CAN YOU!

So I think it is advantageous to start my relationship with you the reader to know.. my name.

My name is James Dillon Broxson and I’ve been told that was my signifier all my life.

For some reason I answer to it so I guess it has some sort of relevance to me.

Issues of politics seem to take up everyone’s general everyday discourse these days and I am often just as guilty but many are also guilty of doing nothing to better the situation. They are political in word but not in deed. It is important you know I don’t wish for people to be a-political. I just want them to be political in word and in deed.

From the day I was born I was a protest. I had sleep disorders that made me sleepy when everyone was waky and waky when everyone was sleepy. I wasn’t just beating to my own drum all “Dilly-Nilly” but rather it was foisted on me by that miracle called birth.

I understood things differently, I acted differently I believed differently. I was born my own political party.

I was like a missionary to all but all saw it their mission to be missionaries to me…

but alas I was hard hearted and couldn’t swallow the pill. Perhaps my natural immunities made medicine my mutinies!

It’s hard to swallow a pill when you are born with the natural tendency to believe you are a doctor.

It might take you years to hear the other and selective hearing doesn’t make that much better.

To be normal was oft an envy; though in these years, in my thirties, Iv’e began to ‘trust’ the directions my neuro-divergences often suggest as plans of action. To survive in this world whilst owning childlike naivety and awe is dangerous unless you learn to be strong ‘trusting your guns’.

I decided to start blogging again and this time to try to make a run of it as the beginnings of my online business, as a way for you the reader to follow the trains of thought I’m conducting and perhaps hop on and enjoy the ride and for me to etch out a living doing what I always wanted to do ..being a writer.

My mind is so full that it is exhausting at times but my hidden rigidities of thought are so all encompassing that good habits are hard to inculcate without a sense of deep meaning and ‘ritual’.

I have had a strange gift in my life of full dedication to very particular seemingly minuscule ‘things’ or some pet social goal to help better mankind. The particularity is important as the meaning is necessary and the ritual is soothing.

When Adam and Eve were put in the Garden of Eden the work of tending it was meant to be a pleasure and not a chore.

That is a good exemplification of how my mind works. I have very important work to do but it has to be that work ‘I am meant to do.’

In grade school my teachers would often say to my mother. “If Dillon likes something he will be better at it than anything else. If he doesn’t like it he is going to have many challenges.”

My life I have struggled with focus, with drive, with the exhaustion of years upon years of un-diagnosed sleep disorders as well as various maladies of mental and emotional exhaustion but still I remember being told I was brilliant by teachers in school, winning spelling bees, being very proficient in English and writing as well as regularly confusing adults by how astute, well read and eruditely questioning I was.

High functionality made my liabilities seem faked and that I was playing the victim even if that was furthest from the truth.

High abilities masked my high challenges.

The desire to emulate some of the giftings of the professionally extroverted of the world along with the love for performance, acting and creativity gave a certain degree of childlike normalcy to me whereby I could mask the challenges of me attempting to catch up with the supposed ‘dance of reality’ and the supposed ‘rules of engagement’.

I was an Android Phone in an Iphone world and I did not readily have the software to interpret ‘their’ programs.

A fish out of water.

A star without sky.

Man lone in the woods. That was this guy.

I won’t immediately tell you what this means to me or what I think it means but I will use it as an opportunity to encourage.

I still don’t really know what I am doing.

Even my faith doesn’t necessarily change that… and I think thats ok!

I still don’t really know what I’m doing… I’m learning everyday.

I still don’t really know what I’m trying to do… but I’m still trying to too!

I still don’t really know what I’m doing… and so can you!

Categories
Uncategorized

Justin Timberlake: Give my blogs back.

                         It takes an artist to mourn like an artist and blogging is no exception. When you work out so many emotions…however trivial some may be; it is a work of the soul. If I were to try and mention how many dreary nights in the Myspace generation that I typed out veritable frescoes of my angst to cyberspace I would fail to deliver it justice. Justin Timberlake, give me my Blogs back.